This post is one of the hardest posts I have written, I have had so many mixed emotions writing this from being emotional to being scared about the reaction it may get. Many many families face this everyday. It is estimated that around a quarter of a million in the UK alone each year suffer a miscarriage! Sadly I was one of them just like many others.
February 2010, It’s all still very clear! I remember walking hand in hand my with partner along to the doctors to see my GP. Today was the day my blood test results came back! I had the feeling of excitement running through me. I tried to contain it just in case the results come back that I wasn’t pregnant. We walked to the receptionist to let her know we were here & We took a seat, My name got called & We both stood up. I asked my partner to wait in the waiting room ( I didn’t want to see his face all disappointed if I wasn’t) He agreed. He told me he would be outside, As I sat & Talked to my GP she asked if I was pregnant how far along would I roughly be? (I wasnt sure) We worked it out that I would be between 8-9 weeks.
She pulled up my notes & Got my results, As she turned to look at me the grin on here face said it all. ‘Congratulation you are pregnant’ I couldn’t believe it. She sent my details over to the midwife & I just had to wait until she contacted me. As I walked through the surgery I could see my partner through the window with his back towards me. As the doors open he turned around & He just knew by my face. I couldn’t wipe that smile of my face even if I wanted to. He picked me up & Spun me around. It was like he won the lottery! We stood cuddling for a good 5 minutes before we started to walk back home with all the leaflets in my hand about pregnancy.
We are having a baby!
Then it hit us! How would we tell our families? We were young, Would they be angry? I didn’t care either way this was are baby & No one was taking this away from us. We didn’t exactly plan to have a baby at this age but we were & That was it.
It’s safe to say neither of are families were overjoyed about it, We understood why. After all we were young & Had our full lives ahead of us.
A few days later I received a call from the midwife, She booked to come & See me in a few weeks time. She explained that she would come round to fill in my notes & Book our 12 week scan! We couldn’t wait. It was such an exciting time in our lives. The day arrived & The midwife came, She filled my notes & Called the hospital to book our scan. She said the date would come through the post. She was such a lovely lady.
Then the dreaded night, I was roughly around 10 weeks & 5 days pregnant. As I sat in the kitchen eating my chicken Kiev’s, Talking away to my partner I was hit with cramp pains. I put them down to stretching, As I finished my tea I needed to pee (Totally normal in pregnancy) As I finished & Wiped I noticed blood. My blood ran cold I was petrified! I ran to my partner with tears running down my face. We didn’t know what going on, I called my mam & She said it’s probably normal but I knew the pains were not they were getting more intense. I called 111 & Explained what was happening, They said they would send a paramedic out to me.
The two paramedics arrived & By that point the pain was getting more painful. They decided to take me up to the hospital. As it was roughly 10pm the early pregnancy unit was closed so they could not scan me! They took my bloods & A urine sample & Told us to just sit & Wait. After a little while the nurse returned & Said she was sending me up to the maternity ward, My HGC Levels come back low they should have been in the 1000’s but they were in the 100’s. They offered to keep me in overnight but I just wanted to go home & Rest. We were asked to return the following week to get more bloods done & A scan.
A week later we were sat in the assessment unit, Gripping each others hands hoping for a miracle, I could feel the sweat between our palms. I had been eating foods with lots of iron in all week hoping it would make it all better. As we sat & Waited all I could think of was our baby, Was it safe? Would we be welcoming our little baby in to the world in just over 6 month’s time? I was so unsure.
Sat in a day-dream I felt my partner nudge me, He said we were ready to go in the scan room, As I lay staring at my partner, Holding his hand the Sonographer spoke, Her words just echoed ‘I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat’ My heart sunk. Why? I was numb, Angry, Upset & Didn’t understand. We were sent away with Co-codamol for the pain & Told to just let nature take its course & Re-test in a few weeks until we get a negative test. We got given a few leaflets & Left.
The whole way home I was numb I didn’t know why it happened to us. Was it them chicken Kiev’s I ate? I would never know but I didn’t eat Kiev’s again for a good few year as silly as it sounds LOL! As the days went on the bleeding & Clots come thick & Fast the pain was bad I never felt pain like it. A few days after the hospital my midwife called & Asked when would be good for her to come & Do a check up? My heart sank even further. She didn’t know I had lost our baby. She was so apologetic bless her.
After sitting thinking what could have caused it I come to the conclusion I had put myself & My body under so much stress as I lost my granddad on the 23rd of February, So it could have well been all that. I will never know. We obviously told family & Sadly none of them really supported us, Instead we got the whole ‘You were too young anyway’ or ‘How can you’s be upset over a baby yous never met’ No one will ever understand unless it has happened to them. That is a fact!
We were young but that didn’t make us any less of a parent. It has now been over 6 year & I still think what if? What sex was our baby? How life would be? I will never forget my first baby ever but luckily we have been blessed to go on & Have 2 successful pregnancy’s. Our oldest is 6, our rainbow baby! After our loss we got pregnant really quickly unintentionally but we were over the moon. Everything was all fine we were scanned at 7 weeks just to check & We had a heartbeat. The pregnancy was full of worry. I will always have 3 children, Just one is now an angel waiting up above.
I hope this helps other women & Families who have been or are going through this. Its heartbreaking but if we support each other it will help a little! My email is always open for anyone! You are never alone.
My thoughts & Heart goes out to every single women & Families who have been through this! You are stronger than you once thought.