I DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS?
I guess it’s that time again for my emotions to go a little wild. Not only do I feel like crap but no doubt my husband does too. I just can’t shrug this feeling off right now.
Over the last week or so I just haven’t felt myself at all, I don’t know why. I can’t think of anything that’s made me upset & Just want to be alone. I’m guessing it’s the depression putting it’s ore in! As per. The lack of sleep could also be a factor but that’s normal. I’m a night owl, Just not by choice.
Ever since getting depression I have never been able to sleep at a decent hour. You know like a normal person. 4am onwards is normal bedtime for me! Not great. But that’s life & I’m a mother so needs must. There isn’t time to be sitting around! It’s getting hard. Hard to work out if I am actually happy or am I just excellent at hiding behind the fake smile now after all these years? I don’t know. You’re probably thinking she doesn’t know much, Truth be told I really don’t.
It does make me wonder how my husband puts up with me feeling like this. It has to be hard, I find it hard myself. When I’m feeling down I would just happily hide away with the boys & Not return until I am feeling better. The boys are a great pick me up, Bless them. They are my little ray of sunshine’s. some days I just feel like giving up & Doing it alone with just the boys & Letting my husband go & Be happy Like he should be. He doesn’t agree with me but how can you be happy with me? Every few weeks I’m down & I don’t want to drag him down. It’s only because I love & Care about him. From being 15-year-old he has been my rock, Always by my side to wipe my tears. He really is an angel is disguise.
Truth Is I don’t know what I would do without him. But he didn’t ask to be stuck with a wife with depression & It’s probably not how he imagined his life would be either. He says he doesn’t care, He loves me for who I am but it still doesn’t stop me feeling guilty. Everyone deserves happiness & I can’t say we aren’t happy because we are but I do have my days my off days let’s call them.
I WILL BE FINE.
Everything just seems to be getting on top lately, Too much for my brain to handle. My health has went on the funny side & I quite frankly have no idea what’s going on. The rash just keeps reappearing its ugly head & I swell up out of no where. My joints ache & Sometimes it does get hard to do day-to-day stuff when I’m in pain. I have no idea if this will eventually all stop or if I will have it forever. Either way I don’t think my legs will ever be on show in public again.
But hey you know what I will be fine, Just a few days & Hopefully I will be feeling like my normal self again. Even better the boys break up Thursday so I will have a whole week of them being home. Yay!!