SO WHAT IS IT REALLY LIKE TO ALWAYS BE JUDGED?
Going back to 2010 when I first realised I wasn’t my normal self anymore. I felt like a different person on the inside & I was slowly changing on the outside. (Appearance wise) But I did nothing about it, Why would I? I was 16, I had just lost my granddad to cancer & Miscarried our first baby the month after! I didn’t speak because I knew I would be judged.
But come 2011 after I had just give birth to Edward. From him being 2 weeks old I remember them feelings coming back stronger than they ever were. Could possibly be hormones, I had just give birth after all? It still seems so raw because I remember it all so well. Every time I looked at him I just felt warm inside & Loved him like I had never loved before, But.. I also remember sitting there at night while both Edwards were asleep. Feeling drained but It just wasn’t possible to sleep. I would go in the bathroom & Cry & Felt like I wanted to run away, But why? Why would you want to do that after just having a baby who you love so so much? He made me so happy (still does) I just didn’t understand.
IS IT HORMONES OR AM I SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSION?
I pushed them feelings aside the best I could but my mam noticed straight away. She also has suffered with depression for over 20 year so of course she knew. As soon as she mentioned it I just broke down. Someone could finally see through the fake smile of how I was feeling & Understood. I made a doctor’s appointment as soon as, Like Mam had said, She said she would come back I wanted to do it alone. I was so scared, After all I was a young mother & Depressed. There is already so much bitching that goes on about young mothers but now depression on top? All I needed. I was scared of being judged, What if they took my baby? Or thought I couldn’t cope? What would I do without my baby.
ITS VERY HARD AT TIMES!
The appointment came around, I went just like I promised. The doctor was lovely, He listened to how I was feeling & Understood me. He done some kind of questionnaire with me so he could rate of how bad I was feeling. He said it could be the lack of sleep causing the depression so he give me a prescription. I ended up on Amitriptyline, Weirdly they were what my mam had been on all those years ago. The sleeping got a little better but I was still feeling the same, Mood wise. Eventually I got out on tablets to help raise my mood. Now 7 years on, Still on the tablets to help me sleep (well they are meant to) I am finally on tablets that help my mood. It’s not gone but it’s at a controllable level most of the time.
I’ve had people tell me i am too young to be a mother, My child would be taken because i have depression. I was even called a slag from a family member for being young & Pregnant. I had been with my now husband 2 year by that time so how could I possibly be? judgemental fucks.
IM HUMAN I STRUGGLE SOMETIMES
It can be hard, You know when you just want to be alone? Obviously you can’t when you’re a parent. Some days I do feel like pulling my hair out, Like most mother’s. My anxiety takes over & I don’t like people looking after my kids which then means.. No me time or no date nights with hubby. I don’t mind, I chose to have children but it angers me because I didn’t choose to have depression & Anxiety.
I AM STILL A GOOD MOTHER, BEING JUDGED WONT CHANGE MY WAY OF PARENTING!
In no way has it affected my Parenting or how I parent but it has affected me as a person. It’s a challenge but I deal with that, It doesn’t affect my kids so why should I be judged? They are well cared for & Loved very much! I don’t let them see me sad or upset so what am I doing for others to have the right to judge me? Or so they think they have the right. Sometimes being judged does hurt but I know I do right by my children, So judge away.
I have one thing to say & One thing only! Stick your judgmental comments right up your arse. That is all.